shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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