I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
