I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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