Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
