Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
