If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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