Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
