Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
