Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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