it wasn't lemon gatorade
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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