I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
