just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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