I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
