he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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