Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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