pop tarts are not kleenex
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
