if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
