walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
