Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
