Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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