How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
