i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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