I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
