Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
