Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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