what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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