smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
