I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
