Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
