he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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