I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
