I'm gonna have a badass scar
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
