the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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