New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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