hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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