It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
