Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
