I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
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You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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