my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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