So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
