Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
