new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
