The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
