My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
