We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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