If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
