i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
