where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
