we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
