he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
