Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
