So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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