I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
