i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
