wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
