i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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