I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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