it hurts more in the daytime
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
