i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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