I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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