Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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