glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
